Cross (k’ros): “A thing they nail people to.” The review of ‘Scrooged’.

.:Listen to the “I’m Only Four” playlist on Spotify:.

Towel, towel, towel

…vhs, towel.

Most of these are towels.

The time of the year is upon us once again to pretend to give a shit about each other. To make sure you spend as much money on the person as they spent on you. So, while you wrap up that single barrel bourbon for me, I will be individually wrapping those chocolate gold coins for every facebook friend i have, even the fake profiles. We here at the AltDaily office have been concocting a plan to save you from the proverbial christmas shits. Something that will give you some mental chocolate to roll your salt in throughout the month of december. 

The answer? Come escape with us to the Naro for the best christmas movie ever made, ‘Scrooged‘. Directed by Richard Donner (The Goonies, Lethal Weapon) and starring Bill Murray (Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day), Carol Kane (The Princess Bride, Annie Hall), Bobcat Goldthwait (God Bless America, Police Academy 3), and David Johansen, ‘Scrooged’ takes a poke at Charles Dickens‘ immortal classic, ‘A Christmas Carol‘. Murray stars as TV exec Frank Cross, a miserable, lonely man who hates himself and everyone else around him and finds redemption after being shown the error of his ways by the ghosts of christmas past, present, and future…hilarity ensues. 

I relate to Frank Cross, I dislike most people, and when presented with my past blunders and future fates, I will call upon Ghost Adventures to gather the evidence. That’s all i have to says about that.

So before you get all crazy with the soup kitchen volunteering and braving the awful, long lines fulfilling your loved ones wishlists, come join us for an awesome night filled with booze and Bill Murray. The date: December 6, The Time: 9pm, The Venue: Naro Cinema, RSVP: here. In the usual AltDaily manner, we will have a cash bar up front, plenty of prizes to give away, and a shitty sweater contest. Let’s Party.

Thanks for your time. 

Number fifty-four million six hundred and one… Ferndoch. ‘Beetlejuice’ remembered.

.:Listen to the Playlist For The Recently Diseased On Spotify:.

SANDWORMS!

YOU HATE ‘EM RIGHT?

I HATE ‘EM MYSELF!

It’s true that the Maitlands and myself share a similar vehicle, that Winona Ryder is at her gothic hottest, and Tim Burton is at the peak of his creative career when speaking of ‘Beetlejuice‘. Mr. Burton was killing it in the late ’80s/early ’90s with his ingenuity and original characters. He was pumping out inventive films (Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure) with a fresh style. Add Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo) to the mix and you have cinematic gold.

‘Beetlejuice’ is one of those films that paved the existence for a generation who saw it at a young age and set that group apart from the demographic who had horrible taste in movies and music. A film so powerful that it transcends into the hipper kids of future generations. It was new, unique, and independent…like the first time you heard your favorite band. It was important, you experienced it, It was yours. The echoes of the past still resonate strong when the opening sequence brightens a screen and you know the large spider is about to be scooped up by Alec Baldwin.

And now for something completely different.

So, on Friday, November 1st, 2013 at 9:15pm at Naro Cinemas (map), your good friends at AltDaily are presenting ‘Beetlejuice’ on the big screen. As always, we will have a bar with alcoholic refreshments, costume contests, and several prizes to win. Click here to RSVP to the Facebook Event.

I am Jack’s review of ‘Fight Club’

Click Here to listen to ‘I Am Jack’s Playlist’ On Spotify

First rule of this review is

NO ONE TALKS

ABOUT THIS REVIEW.

Second rule of this review is OKAY, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THIS REVIEW. One of the coolest films to come along in the last two decades is being presented on the big screen once again by your friends at AltDaily. This film will have an anarchic effect on your psyche much like the feeling after one plays Grand Theft Auto. So, we ask you to please refrain from setting anything on fire, blowing up any buildings, or fucking shit up after the movie is finished. What you do at home is your business. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

These are by far the easiest reviews to write. Most of you reading this have seen the movie and if you haven’t then I will not ruin it for you. It also makes it harder to implant subliminal penises into the script.

Based on the novel written by Chuck Palahniuk (Haunted, Choke, Invisible Monsters), directed by David Fincher (se7en), and starring Brad Pitt (12 Monkeys, Inglourious Basterds), Edward Norton (Red Dragon, American History X), and Helena Bonham Carter (Most of Tim Burton‘s movies), ‘Fight Club‘ may be one of the most important films you will ever see. Its’ “Fuck Everything!” attitude speaks to the heart of the asshole in all of us. It screams to our internal urge to flip off your boss or stick your dick into your customer’s chocolate pudding. So to all the people who are sick and tired of the monotonous bullshit in life and want to lash out against the mundane, all i have to say is “In Tyler We Trust”.

As mentioned before, AltDaily will be projecting ‘Fight Club’ onto the big screen at The Naro Cinema (map) on October 18, 2013 at 9:15 pm. In our usual fashion we will have a bar with alcoholic refreshments, contests to participate in, and prizes to win. Please click here to RSVP to the Facebook event.

PLEASE REMEMBER: “You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.”

I bet if you read this review of ‘Caddyshack’, you get a free bowl of soup.

Hey, orange balls! I’ll have a box of those and give me a box of those naked-lady tees, gimme two of those, gimme six of those…

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO MY ‘GUNGA LAGUNGA’ PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY.

“There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.”

Before I get right in to the meat of this review, I’d like to talk to you folks about golf. I suck at golf, TERRIBLY. The cons totally outweigh the pros on this subject, you have to wake up way too early, people behind you hate you when you suck and try to “play through”, it’s expensive, and all in all a hard fucking game. The pros: gives me an excuse to hang out with friends and a chance to ingest alcohol and marijuana before the sun shoots her ferocious glare in my eyes. Bitch. Hmmm, maybe if i play night golf sober I would play better. Oh well, strap in, it’s review time!

‘Caddyshack‘. Oh beloved ‘Caddyshack’, you took my virginity at a very young age. Your tender touch, warm embrace, and quick wit inched your way up my creamy, quivering inner thighs until we both reached an explosive climax. You entered my body with such a ferocious appetite, I had no chance in hell without making it out a changed man. Yes, Caddyshack, you metamorphosed this boy into a man. With such a prodigious display of comedic genius at the helm of this vessel, this cult classic was destined to be one of best of its’ caliber. Directed by Harold Ramis (Groundhog Day, Ghostbusters) and Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, and Bill Murray rounding out the brilliant cast, they raped my frontal lobe until it penetrated deep into my temporal lobe. Whew, all this sexting is getting me hot. I need a break.

FREEZE, GOPHER! Ok, I’m back. So, August 16th at 9pm, AltDaily will be projecting ‘Caddyshack’ on the big screen at Naro Expanded Cinemas (map). We, of course, will be holding a costume contest, a gopher dance-off, and slinging PBRs and Fresca cocktails before the movie starts. Be there or be a snickers at the bottom of a pool. Click here to RSVP to the facebook event.

One last thing.

As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Obviously, you’re not a golfer…a review of the Tao of ‘The Big Lebowski’.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE “LOGJAMMIN” PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY

This is not a review of the dude,

it is a testament to the film in its’ entirety.

Sometimes you feel like a dude, sometimes you don’t. The tao of the film ‘The Big Lebowski‘ reaches every spectrum of my unfiltered soul. The dude, the old man, the german pop star, to name a few. The film strokes a barrage of human emotion that are so prevalent in my life today and the thoughts filtering through my withering sponge. I know first hand that nihilism is exhausting and believe it or not, I am housebroken. Sometimes you just want to take another gander to see if the money is actually in the toilet, sometimes you just want to say “Fuck It”. Before I get too philosophical on your ass. Here.

Lebowski is one of those movies so layered in its’ produce that the hundredth viewing you can still pluck the new leaves from its’ vine. Starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, Flea, Phillip Seymore Hoffman, John Turturro, Sam Elliott, Julianne Moore and with Joel and Ethan Coen heading the pilots’ seats, this film leaves no room for error. The carpet really ties this cast together and you’ll never guess what Peter Stormare does, he fixes the cable. The plot? Unimportant for those who have seen it. For those who haven’t seen it? It is a film to be experienced, not read about, see you on July 19th.

So, for the third time here in Norfolk, AltDaily presents ‘The Big Lebowski’ on the big screen at the Naro (map). The event starts @9:15pm on Friday July 19 with a costume contest, caucasians, prizes, and the film shortly showing after. It might be the most important thing you do this year.I’ll be in the back behind the theater offering blow jobs for a thousand bucks a pop. Click here for the facebook event and more information.

As always thanks for stopping by and reading.

An ESL asian, a fat kid, and a loud mouth all walk into a bar…a review of ‘The Goonies’.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO MY HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY.

Couch, check.

Chinese food, check.

Truffle Shuffled, check.

Now that I am all settled in, I am now ready to review one of the most beloved and hated children’s adventure movies that i grew up watching. I only hated it because I never got into this type of awesome mischief as a kid. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fucked some shit up in my day and to no avail it never ended in me finding any rich stuff. But I have covered things in chocolate and eaten my way through them and have certainly set my share of booty traps. In fact go grab yourself a snickers bar and rub it all over your screen and eat your way through this review.

‘The Goonies‘ is an action/adventure from the minds of Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner. The story follows a group of misfits known around town as the title characters and their journeys into the Astoria underworld as they attempt to save the Goon Docks. If none of this is making any sense to you then you must have been an outdoor kid. Congratulations. Alas, it is not too late for you my friend. The cast includes Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, Anne Ramsey, and Mary Ellen Trainor, who also played the mother in the “better goonies”, ‘The Monster Squad‘. I’m not saying ‘The Goonies’ is bad in any way, I’m just a horror nerd.

So, as you probably guessed, I have pictures of your mom and I’ll sell them to you, REAL CHEAP, which translates to…AltDaily is taking over the projector at The Naro (map) on Friday, June 21st, 2013 and showing ‘The Goonies’ at 9 pm. There will be one eyed willies for sale, a costume contest, lots of prizes and of course the classic film being projected on the big screen! It will be awesome for all attendees. Click here for more info and to RSVP on Facebook.

As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

“F*ck me gently with a chainsaw”…a review of the cult classic “Heathers”

[CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE ‘I LOVE MY DEAD GAY PLAYLIST’ ON SPOTIFY]

“Are you a Heather?”

“No, i’m a Veronica”

In the shadow of recent events occurring over the past 8 months and the drunken swamp I have slithered into, I have decided to crawl out and start tapping the keys again. The topic: a reviewing of one my favorite dark comedies I watched quite a bit during my childhood, “Heathers“. So dark a symphony that director Michael Lehmann and writer Daniel Waters orchestrate. As I view the director’s track record, i am impressed with every scroll; “Dexter“, “The Larry Sanders Show“, “Bored To Death“, “American Horror Story“, “Californication“, and “True Blood“, just to name a few. So, with a shaved head and a semi-fresh outlook on life, I am going to dive right into this review and invite you to ride along (don’t forget your chainsaw grease).

“Heathers” is a 1988 dark comedy that burrowed its little self behind my eager 9 year old eyes. The film stars Wynona Ryder (Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands) as Veronica, the black sheep and one-fourth of a clique known as the “Heathers”. She falls in love with outsider, JD (Christian Slater – Pump up the Volume, True Romance) and they begin a destructive “Bonnie and Clyde“-esque relationship chock full of murder and betrayal. Shannen Doherty (Beverly Hills 90210, Mallrats) rounds out the cast as one of the “Heathers”. I don’t want to give away too much plot in the certain case some readers have not seen the movie. Which leads me right into the entire point of this article that also doubly serves as a therapeutic brain massage.

On Friday night, May 17, 2013, at the Naro on Colley Avenue starting at 9:15pm, AltDaily will be showing the cult gem, “Heathers”. Since AltDaily is behind this event, you know there will be special surprises in store for the audience and of course, alcoholic concessions. Please click here for the facebook event and more info.

I can’t wait to review every single sequel…

Those things are terrifying and the cleanup on them is a nightmare.

[Listen to my Release All Beasts Spotify Playlist]

A textbook horror movie backed by science, 60% of the time, it works every time.

Well, Hickory Fuckory Doo my friends. Today I am ranting about one of the coolest horror movies I’ve set my glassy eyes on in years. Joss Whedon (The Avengers, Firefly)  has done it once again! He has whipped together a likable cast of vaguely familiar, cliche teenagers; Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Kristen Connelly, Fran Kranz, Anne Hutchison, and Jesse Williams, along with West Wing and nosidaM ylliB veteran Bradley Whitford to round out the cast.

Beware! Unicorns At Play.

The movie that took so long to introduce? Cabin in the Woods, I know, it’s a generic sounding name, that’s the point. It’s a snowball effect of fucking awesomeness, the more it progresses, the more you start figuring out how much you love this movie. They cover everything! EVERY-THING! The perfect song to describe how I feel about it right now.

See Below.

Yea, It’s that good.

So,  unfortunately the BluRay/DVD release date is September 25th, 2012 and you can’t see it, like, now. But, hopefully I poked and prodded enough around this movie to spark an engaging interest in you to witness the spectacular luster that has been captured on celluloid, not cellulite. But, for now, check out the trailer and shut up.

Cabin in the Woods Homepage

I GIVE THIS FILM 4.8 CONCHES OUT OF 5.

AS ALWAYS THANKS FOR STOPPING BY AND READING.

the brains have blown.

Listen To My “Fucking Kill Everyone” Playlist on Spotify.

Imagine a world where a writer/director combined Taxi Driver, Leon the Professional , and Falling Down all in one movie!

The movie: God Bless America (available on DVD and Blu-Ray this past tuesday, June 5). The man: Bobcat Goldthwait, yes, the same Bobcat from the Police Academy movies and One Crazy Summer. He’s teamed up with friend Joel Murray, younger brother of Bill Murray, and he is pretty damn fantastic. Bill better watch the hell out, Joel is creeping up on his indie cred. Joel and Bobcat have worked together on a couple of my favorites; One Crazy Summer, Scrooged, and Shakes the Clown (starring, written, and directed by Bobcat).

Joel plays Frank, who has one bad day after another and instead of killing himself he decides to rid the world of all the stupid jerks. Fired unjustly from his job, an unwanted father, and diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, he sets out to find his first victim, a little cunt of a spoiled teenager living in Virginia Beach he sees being an awful, selfish bitch on one of those Sweet 16 Shows on MTV. That’s where he meets Roxy (Tara Lynn Barre, in her first major film role) and they team up in this angst-filled roller coaster ride to make the world… nicer. That’s all that Frank wants, everyone to be nice to each other… that’s not too much to ask. It’s something I’d hope everyone would want, but every scene is a page out of everyone’s life.

People at work discussing unimportant TV that’s deadening our minds, a seemingly innocent act turning into fatal wounding of our lifestyle, when the going gets worse… it seems to keep rolling downhill, all things we can all relate to whether we are the hunter or the prey. The hunters in the audience have a visual pipe dream they can live out every time life becomes too much and the prey can maybe become better people, look at life differently, and want to become less miserable, maybe a little nicer to their fellow human beings. Again, pipe dreams, as our world gets closer to looking like this.

So if you’re looking for a refreshing satire of how horrible, inconsiderate, mean-spirited, and self-absorbed the American people have become, this is your opus, Mr. Holland style. This film is definitely re-watchable, especially after the anger I feel for humanity after watching the Mumia Abu-Jamal documentary “In Prison my Whole Life” (available on Netflix instant). Never lose sight of what’s important. As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Official “God Bless America” Website

B Cubed

BBQ, Beer, and Bands Photo review for AltDaily.com

Hope you all enjoy!

-Belcher