AltDaily.com

Hello friends. I’ve been gone for a little while, that’s because I started reviewing movies for AltDaily.com. Because of this transition, my horror reviews will dwindle to a few a year since I’m reviewing every genre for them. All the horror reviews will be posted here and on their site. But, all the other reviews will be posted on their site. If there’s a public outcry then I will post a link on here, but i seriously doubt that will happen. Maybe i will anyway just to save the old ego. Anyway, altdaily.com still gives me all the freedom that i have on here, i just review everything now. Check em out!

Review of The Avengers

Review of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 

As always, thanks for stopping by and reading. Hope that you keep laughing, that shit certainly makes life better.

Love,

Christopher M Belcher

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it’s in the water…

Yep, you heard it first here folks! SHITBEARS are infesting the woods, they can smell the menstruation. I watched this movie the other night called “The Prophecy” it was made in 1979…oh mother fucker shit cunt. It was awful. It started out pretty good and just went to shit once we found mercury was in the water, big, stupid tadpoles, SHITBEARS. OoOoOoO, a big salmon. This Bitch stars in this train wreck of shit, she’s still fucking idiots, this time she’s knocked up and eats the mercury also. She keeps it from him and that’s the twist at the end. She’s harboring a freak of nature SHITBABY. YAYYY! I just hate wasting my time, I was even stoned. Maybe I’m being too harsh and should’ve found it funny. Maybe i should rewatch. Wait, No! Bad Idea! But you know me, watch it yourself form your own shit conclusions of this shitfest. Okay, im excited, tired, and hung the fuck over. Let me break down the movie for you and save you an hour and a half…hell, i didnt finish the damn thing, i don’t even know if she had the SHITBABY, I DONT EVEN CARE IF SHE HAD THE SHITBABY! Anyway. here goes nothing.

-Talia shire is pregnant and plays cello alot.

-Her boyfriend doesnt know she’s pregnant, he’s some environmental investigator.

-They travel to the woods and encounter unwanted indians.

-They drink and eat things from the water and the woods.

They start seeing big animals.

The indians think its magic water.

They find out a paper company is pumping mercury in the water.

They find more large SHIT animals, you know like SHITBEARS.

She reveals to her BF that she is in fact PREGNANT with a SHITBABY.

Ughhhh I get bored and turn it off.

Sorry, I feel like I’m wasting your time because I’m reviewing a stupid fucking movie that i didn’t even finish. Oh well, Your problem not mine. Dont see this piece of hairy shit. Get off your computers and phones and go see this movie instead. It fucking rules. Maybe I should have seen it younger and not high, or higher. I don’t know, I’m in a bad mood today and my brain feels fucking crazy. Enough maybes, here’s the trailer.

Listening To: Eels “Novacaine For The Soul”, Nation Of Ulysses “Today I Met The Girl I’m Gonna Marry”, David Bowie “Let’s Dance”, Muse “Supermassive Black Hole”, Bloc Party “Helicopter”, The Living End “Second Solution”, Van Morrisson “Brown Eyed Girl”, Frank Sinatra “Witchcraft”, Bouncing Souls “Kate Is Great”, Beastie Boys “Shake Your Rump”

nell 2: walk like a woman

“The Woman”, the new thriller by director Lucky McGee (May, Masters Of Horror – Sick Girl), has won my little coal-shaped heart. Semi-original plot, lots of gore, a super fucked up sense of humor, and of course, he cast Benicio Del Toro to play the title character, okay that’s a lie, but its funny, fuck it. If I ever meet Mr. Del Toro and he just happened to see my blog and this review, I will gladly accept the ass beating coming to me. NOT TOO WORRIED ABOUT IT. Also, as you know I don’t care about spoiling movies for people, so if you want to be not disappointed, then go see the fucking movie and come back and read this. Now that the disclaimer is proclaimed, lets dig in. This movie is full of gore, cannibalism, sadism, and a 55 gallon drum of dark humor. I fucking loved every minute of it. It starts off with, well, let’s call her “Nell“, she’s billed as “The Woman” but Nell is funnier. So anyway, we have no back story on this feral lady, all we know is that she’s dirty and running around the forest killing animals. We can only assume she was raised by wolves…yes like Howie Mandel in “Walk like a man“. So we are introduced to Nell, then they shift on over to the “normal” family, we can gather the dad is a pompous prick. He goes out hunting and runs across Nell bathing in a stream, not a bad body, he’s enthralled, then you look at her face and your brain automatically goes to Benicio Del Toro…yea, it’s fucked up. So what does old boy do? He captures homegirl and chains her up in his basement, it’s okay family! It’s a project! So a missing finger later and the ole pressure washer scrub down and Nell is ready to go…for more torture. Not looking too good, men. We inflict all the pain and suffering in this movie. The women are compassionate and apologetic…kind of. They are more afraid of the dad than to help poor Nell. The son uses the feral for his own personal pubescent agenda, which his dad just chocks up to him being a young man full of hormones…naturally (which so am i, but i wouldn’t fuck Benicio Del Toro). The women all go through an escalating psychological trauma while the rest of the story progresses to the status of a Hunter S Thompson hotel room. Many twists and turns unfold the plot leading to an acceptable ending. Finally, someone has come out with a movie somewhat original that mixed genres in a beautiful symphony of visual noise. Besides the fact you see Benicio as a naked woman, I’m willing to overlook the minor flaws for this movie. Lemme know what you thought of it! As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

The Woman” Official Website

Listening To: Dead Kennedy’s “Holiday In Cambodia”, Blur “Girls And Boys”, Jeff Buckley “Grace”, Modest Mouse “A Different City”, The Cure “Friday, I’m In Love”, Talking Heads “Burning Down The House”, Rancid “Time Bomb”, Foo Fighters “Monkey Wrench”, The Clash “Guns Of Brixton”, Eels “Souljacker Part 1”, TV On The Radio “Shout Me Out”, Beastie Boys “Brass Monkey”, The Figurines “Ghost Town”, No Knife “Testing The Model”, Veruca Salt “Seether”, The Postal Service “There’s Never Enough Time”, Violent Femmes “Blister In The Sun”, Nirvana “Heart Shaped Box”, The Verve “Bittersweet Symphony”, Q And Not U “Collect The Diamonds”, Lou Reed “Perfect Day”, Jawbreaker “Save Your Generation”

put on some damn pants!

Angela, honey? I love you but you need to cover yourself because you’re scaring the children! Hey folks, I told you I’d be back. But you might not like what I have to say. Basically if you’re reading this and havent seen “Sleepaway Camp”, I would check it out before reading any more, I’d hate to ruin any surprises for you.

Watch the entire film here.

Click below on Angela to buy the Tshirt

Ok, now that I have that out of the way I can continue. This movie fucked my world up as a kid, I was thrown into a brand new world of transgenders, homosexuality, pedophiles, and boiling pots of water larger than my body. We are presented in the beginning with an accident where either a brother or a sister and their dad are killed by a boat that runs over them…hehehe. I mean, What a horrible tragedy, but shut that little girl up, for real. Then, its  eight years later and we find out this fuck off weirdo aunt is now taking care of “Angela”  and her cousin Ricky. She is shipping them off to summer camp where she meets a 1980 Tony Danza and he says “ANGELA” a lot and they fall madly in love. Ok, Maybe that doesn’t happen, but if you know what I’m talking about, you are probably laughing right now. The 80s were amazing, lets just stick with that…worst clothes and hair, EVER! So the crazy eyed aunt sends the kids off the Camp Arawak where the campers are DYING to have fun…ha, get it. DYING? Yea I’m an idiot. The deaths are pretty engaging; boiling flesh, arrows through the neck, killer bees, hot curling irons(ha! Fucked Up!), canoes, and decapitation. The camp is in an uproar and the body count is rising by the minute. Poor, innocent Angela is constantly getting fucked with, Ricky defends her, the old man  and Tony Danza think its Ricky, but no one knows shit. The crotch shorts are getting smaller and we find out Angela’s parents are a gay couple and she might have had sex with her sibling. Then, the penis. Best ending to an 80s slasher, ever. Angela and her boytoy are alone on the beach getting naked and ready to bump uglies, then two councilors walk up on Angela, she’s sitting down and humming…then she stands up to reveal her junk, it’s a weird looking bushy nub too. Her fucked up aunt raised Angela as a girl because she already had a boy and “that simply will not do”. Anyone who has seen this film has that image in their head pop up when you mention the title, I guarantee it. Totally underrated and lost among the rubbish that was being pumped out at the time because of the success of “Halloween” and “Friday the 13th”, i would honestly rather see that pop culture than American Idol or these damn remakes and contrived genre reimaginings. So hopefully I provoked some not so fond memories or introduced you to a long lost gem of a slasher film. I am on my 2nd week of  my back surgery bedrest and am so excited for this in two weeks, Blood On The Beach. There will be an Angela and Ricky reunion there that I am really looking forward to, among the many other celebrities that will be there. So if you live near Virginia Beach, I would definitely check it out if you can, I want this convention to come back every year, it’s our first and I don’t want to be the last. IT WILL BE A PARTY! But anyway, leave me your feedback, let me know what thoughts are in your head about Angela’s androgynous excursions. As always, Thanks for stopping by and reading.

Official Sleepaway Camp Website

Listening To: Band Of Horses “The Funeral”, Hot Water Music “Remedy”, Alice In Chains “Man In The Box”, XTC “Meccanik Dancing”, Mmford And Sons “Little Lion Man”, The Living End “Pictures In The Mirror”, The Black Heart Procession “Tropics Of Love”, Nada Surf “Blonde On Blonde”, The Strokes “Someday”, Bright Eyes “Gold Mine Gutted”, The Strokes “Juicebox”, Hot Hot Heat “Middle Of Nowhere”, Rival Schools “Eyes Wide Open”, Death Cab For Cutie “Lightness”, TV On The Radio “Shout Me Out”, Fake Problems “Ramblin’ Man”, Velvet Underground “Pale Blue Eyes”, Foo Fighters “Walk”, Lily Allen “22”, !!! “The Step”, Jane’s Addiction “Jane Says”, The Merton Parkas “Face In The Crowd”, Bloc Party “This Modern Love”, Interpol “Obstacle 1”

heeheeheehee…yawn…

Hello friends, it’s been a while, I’ve been busy making a website, trying to start a business, start a dive bar blog, and getting back surgery, mmmm painkillers, but now i have some extra time to write. First movie back? “The Sleeper”. Hmmm, where to start? I must say that this movie caught me off guard at times, some parts were ridiculous, some parts were violent and realistic, I am not exactly sure what the director was going for here. Justin Russell, writer\director of this fiasco, in his freshman attempt at film making, set out to recreate the long dead genre of 80’s slashers, it’s even available on special edition VHS. I grew up with this shit and it’s one of my favorite genres,  so he better recognize before he starts pussyfooting around sacred ground. The stalker is scary…at times. He looks like Meatloaf, laughs like Dr. Giggles and has the eyeballs of a fried flounder. He is creepin’ around this sorority house and calling them up informing the girls which one will die next, then he giggles a lot and writes three Zees over a picture of that victim’s throat. His deaths and methods vary from hand to ax to hammer, which he seems to prefer. I’m trying to be unbiased here, but fuck it, I’m not here to make friends. The killer bashes peoples heads in, which can be frightening until the special effects come on the screen, which i know were meant to duplicate that of a 1981 film, but if I were Tom Savini, I’d find this Justin dude and rip off his dick. I think these dudes who recreate genre films have no hope at an original idea, they lay on a soft blanket of spoof and satire, they feel safe from mistakes because they chalk it up to the genre. I may be out of line here but kiss my ass big guy, you might as well of remade this movie.

I’m not saying I truly hated “The Sleeper”, just saying what I’d change about it, you know, like, more tits…you want to make an 80’s slasher? Put lotsa tits and ass in it…go hardcore even, put in some bush, shower scenes…I am not being a pig ladies, I am being realistic…these guys were smart. I fell into the horror genre because I learned early on that I loved looking at nude females. I made that association from the minute i turned on HBO after midnight. My second change would be effects, that goes with the tone of the movie…the killer violently kills his victim, then you see some shitty special effects poking fun at the genre, ridiculous! It changes the entire tonal value of the film from frightening to silly, well Mr. Russell? Are you making a horror film or a fucking spoof? The marketing got me hooked from the beginning, special edition VHS? Fuck yes! 80s Slasher? Yes again. Maybe it’s the dilaudid or the other peripherals i was on when I watched it but I think the outcome would’ve all been the same. I, of course, encourage you to come to your own conclusions and get back at me to share your opinions. Yes, some aspects are awesome, some have me skeptical. Maybe I am crazy and it’s a genius piece of work that I missed. I seriously doubt it, but it’s possible. Anywho, get back at me and always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Official Sleeper Website

PS-yes please, support independent horror!

Listening to: Antelope “Game Over”, Foo Fighters “Everlong”, Against Me! “Miami”, The Pharcyde “Passing Me By”, Built To Spill “Wherever You Go”, The Pixies “Monkey Gone To Heaven”, The Descendents “Rotting Out”, The Beta Band “Squares”, El Guapo “I Don’t Care”, The Clash “This Is Radio Clash”, The Dead Milkmen “Bitchin’ Camaro”, TV On The Radio “Golden Age”, Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down”, Bright Eyes “Land Locked Blues”

dude! don’t eat that…

Image

Hello friends, miss me? It’s your old, cynical, sarcastic, drunkard here again and i’m extra pissed off today. I’m hungover, my car won’t start and I’m at work today…enough said! So this should be an extra special review today. The movie? “The Stuff” by Larry Cohen. Have you seen it? Heard of it? No? Well, let me tell you about it. Two Words: Killer Yogurt. Yes, that’s what i said, “KILLER YOGURT!” They just don’t make movies like this anymore, why can’t hollywood remake this gem? Oh yea, because hollywood sucks ass. This film starts out in a snowy wonderland, a cop approaches a white thick liquid bubbling out of the ground…whats the genius do? He fucking sticks his fingers in it and EATS IT! Wow, and i thought the people i worked with were fucking retarded, no offense to retards, you people have common sense. That last sentence was purely for humor purposes only and not meant in a mean context…but if your offended, Fuck off! Holy shit! i just discovered this new band, Simply Red, AND THEY ARE AWESOME, if you like getting anally raped in the ears. Led by a Ginger Kenny G look alike Douchebag and they are fucking horrible, much like my mood right now, minus the rape. Oops, i was led astray by really shitty pop, my adderol hasn’t kicked in yet. So yes, back to the yogurt. The cop eats the bubbling white shit out of the ground, the FDA approves it and it becomes an overnight sensation. Skip ahead months later and The Stuff has made it into every home in America. That’s right kids, it’s that easy. Shit in a container, send it to the FDA for approval and BAM! a no calorie snack, ready for consumption. So it eats a few people, don’t be a fucking pussy, just eat it! Ha! How you like me now peeps? I’m making this an interactive experience. Rant rant rant, so now the yogurt is attacking people. Like a parasite, its takes over the body and uses it as a host to…uhhh, didnt really catch that part of the plot…anyways, It’s up to Garrett Morris and Michael Moriarty to save the world, Yayyy! The best is Garrett Morris’ character, Chocolate Chip Charlie, he makes cookies! Like Famous Amos! and he’s black…awesome! Well, I wont spoil the rest of the cheese for you. This movie is brilliant, funny and horrible, and they know it. It’s definitely one of my favorites in the shitty 80s horror sub-genre. Check it out! As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Listening To: The Hold Steady “The Swish”, Les Savy Five “Sleepless In Silverlake”, TV on the Radio “Halfway Home”, Sunny Day Real Estate “Song About An Angel”, Sensefield “Different Times”, Franz Ferdinand “You Could Have It So Much Better” The Ramones “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend”, Sonic Youth “Sacred Trickster”, Bloc Party “Luno”, Michael Andrews and Gary Jules “Mad World”, The Police “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”, Beck “Fume”, The Clash “Train in Vain”, Rolling Stones “Gimme Shelter”

vicious?

These guys. It looks like The Black Keys procreated with My Chemical Romance and gave birth to these indie pukes. Yes I am a hater, quite bitter, and hate younger generations. But, I did end up liking their movie “Grave Encounters”. It started off as a spoof of all the ghost hunting shows(more “Ghost Adventures” than anything) and ends up with the team getting terrorized by a shape-shifting lunatic asylum and the spirits residing inside. The trailer made me very weary because it looked very low budget(which it was) and filmed mostly in night vision. Also, the demon effects i saw floating around youtube a couple years ago was the main focus in the trailer and it reminded me of the ending of “Blair Witch Project”. There was a stagnant 30 minutes where the humor had stopped and the ghosts hadn’t started ghosting yet. But, I’m proactive, I used this time wisely to refill on snacks and weed. I expected much less from this film and was pleasantly surprised. It doesn’t mean you’ll like it, because I like some shitty movies, but I’m just saying, you might. I find a lot of the movies I have very low standards and expectations for I end up liking(the underdogs, if you will). I might also be biased because I love the shit out of some ghost hunting shows, am probably addicted, and cannot stop watching them. So, don’t judge, it’s my right as part of Lazy America, I quit trying to cure cancer a long time ago. Actually, instead of watching terrible movies and using my intelligence to memorize movie lines with my bottle of Jack Daniels, I should have been become a doctor, but then again drug dealers don’t have to payback any school loans, instead I spent my twenties bartending and being in “bands that will make it”…see, told you I was bitter. Damnit, went on another rant. Ugh. Anyways, as always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Listening To: Firewater “Another Perfect Catastrophe”, Radiohead “Karma Police”, Violent Femmes “Blister In The Sun”, Motion City Soundtrack “Capital H”, Faith No More “Let’s Lynch The Landlord”, Jets To Brazil “Starry Configurations”, The Champs “Tequila”, Goldfinger “Nite Club”, Oingo Boingo “No One Lives Forever”, Radiohead “Just”, VHS or Beta “You Got Me”

the resurrection of darth maul.

I watched this movie back in April on my iphone on an airplane trip to new orleans, yes it’s way too much information, but then again, I’m a writer, or not, okay I’m long winded, and go off on rants, shit there i go again. Anyway, I saw “Insidious” a couple months back and thought I’d give it another shot since netflix released it yesterday, even though i remember it not being good. Two thoughts popped in my tiny, little brain that rekindled some original problems i had with the movie upon first viewing. Number One: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT DEMON? He looked like Darth Maul with a Freddy Kreuger sillouette that was re-imagined by Jim Henson. Help us Obi -wan Kenobi! You’re our only hope! Number Two: THIS MOVIE IS WAY TOO SILLY. What a shame too, it could have been real good and started off a creepy haunted house psychological thriller and ended up being the feel good “Ghost” remake of the year! I think it started going downhill when the ghost hunters were looking for spirits with their viewmasters. Christ! And the gas mask EVP session? WHAT? Ah shit! I’m getting all worked up over fiction again. You’re going to need at least 8 gravity bong hits for this one, I caught it with only 3 hits, and this is my reaction. Actually, heed my directions carefully: Insert the “Insidious” disc, take 3 bong hits, get up, take out movie, watch “Poltergeist” or “The Entity” instead…more bong hits, eat ice cream. This should cure severe depression. As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

Listening To: Devendra Banhart “Don’t Look Back In Anger”,  Alkaline Trio “Cooking Wine”, Bouncing Souls “Kate Is Great”, The North Atlantic “Scientist Girl”, Joy Division “Disorder”, Minus The Bear “Guns and Ammo”, Queens of the Stone Age “Avon”, The Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”, Death Cab For Cutie “Soul Meets Body”

you can be my ten middles.

meet martin.

Yes, the latest installment of the human centipede series is here! It’s not actually a sequel because it turns the first sequence into a work of fiction the main character of HC2 is obsessed with. Please proceed with caution in reading this because i am about to spoiler the fuck out of this piece. So we meet Martin in a parking lot security booth watching the original Human Centipede, he sees a couple fighting in the garage and attacks them…on film?! What the fuck? The movie introduces Martin as a weird, awkward, ugly introvert. After striking a few people and renting a warehouse we find out (lucky us!) that he was molested by his dad and he wants to create another human centipede…with 12 people! Awesome! Or Not! Pretty boring stuff until he actually fills his quota and starts building his dream (insert field of dreams reference here). Let the laughs begin! A couple hammer whacks to the teeth and some duct tape and so begins the ‘Full Sequence’…finally! Give me the goods! I don’t give a shit about Martin, just give me the gore! It has it…plenty of it. Its worth a look to watch a grotesque sludgefest…if that’s your thing. It’ll make you cringe, the plot sucks, but if you like watching ‘Gummo’ more than once, it’s right up your alley. Have it with some spagetti, a snickers bar and wash it down with some bath water. Enjoy your wasteland! As always, Thanks for stopping by and reading!

http://www.ifcfilms.com/films/the-human-centipede-2

Listening To: Saves The Day “Shoulder To The Wheel”, Jamie Cullum “I Only Have Eyes For You”, Ben Folds “The Ascent Of Stan”, Jets To Brazil “I Typed For Miles”, Leonard Cohen “Everybody Knows”, Blur “Fade Away”, The North Atlantic “Swallow Fire”, Blind Melon “Three Is A Magic Number”

hello, chiodo.

It was a dark and stormy day at work…so, what a perfect opportunity to review “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”. No, this movie is not about juggalos, ICP, or the dark carnival!  I caught this little gem in my preteen years on HBO and it pretty much changed my outlook on the entire horror genre. I never knew a horror movie could be bad, on purpose. It opened my eyes to a whole new sub genre of film that paved the way for me to enjoy movies like “Evil Dead”(hadn’t gotten to it yet, don’t judge),”Zombieland” and “Shaun of the Dead”. A fresh meat salad combination of camp, humor and terrifying klowns, err, clowns. Fuck it, klowns. Move over Pennywise, these guys are serious! They came out shooting popcorn and turning the townsfolk into cotton candy cocoons. The plot is simple enough, a bunch of horny teens are making out on top of a lookout point, a couple sees a  huge, bright, cartoon UFO fly overhead. Curiosity bites them on the ass and they go and investigate the unexplained “meteor” in a horribly acted way. But, at this point in the movie, the bad acting was so endearing, i decided to stick around for more, in which most cases i would have turned it off. They approach a massive carnival tent and enter to find a circus acid trip full of extraterrestrial clowns and gadgets, where soon they are chased out. They try to inform the police (Animal House’s John Vernon, the biggest star of the film), but they are unsuccessful…shocker! This sets up the whirlwind of hi-jinx as the Killer Klowns make their way into town to terrorize, capture and harvest its’ inhabitants. The Chiodo Brothers wrote and directed this highly imaginative, visual adventure of the bizarre bazaar of alien clowns. I’m tiptoeing around the substance because i want anyone who reads this to experience the film first hand with fresh eyes. Oh, you might want to drop some acid before you watch…just a suggestion. As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.

http://www.chiodobros.com/

Listening To: The Doors “Alabama Song”, Blur “Beetlebum”, Sparta “Unstitch Your Mouth”, Maritime “Parade of Punk Rock Tshirts”, Les Savy Five “The Sweet Descends”, Nofx “The Marxist Brothers”, Moedst Mouse “Satin In A Coffin”, Rocket From The Crypt “Tarzan”, Sebadoh “License To Confuse”, Jane’s Addiction “Been Caught Stealing”, The Pogues “Dirty Old Town”, Camper Van Beethoven “Sweethearts”